Hello Heidi,
Rachel is putting out the word that you feel alone and stressed with your
medical condition...so you don't know me and all the other people who are
going to respond to her email, but take a leap of faith and reach out those
hands and take hold of the ones we are reaching out to you. You might have
to keep changing hands, because we are making a big circle to hold you, dance
around you, touch you, and chant and sing to you. We are women and gentle
men who support and love women. We are people who have been knocked down on
the mat in the center of the boxing ring time and again and we have flattened
our bloody faces on the mat with the stuffing beat out of us and we have gotten
up again. We have wondered whether life is worth living and screamed in horror
that we might not have the choice. We touch the trees and feel the roots go
deep into the ground and we look up and see the branches reaching for the
sky. We put on outrageous high heels and dance to the glittering light of
a disco ball. We strip off all our clothes and dance and weave and weep and
sing to the moon and make love in the grassy meadow. We live, we love, we
are lonely, we are crowded with too many people around us. We are everything,
sometimes minute by minute, sometimes decade by decade. We are the seasons
with the fall leaves turning color, the spring buds expanding, the frost on
the roof. We are the sunshine on a yellow flower. We are life. We believe
in life. We live for life. We grasp our worst fears and wrestle with them,
sometimes winning, sometimes losing. We collapse in fear, in despair and we
sob until tears come from the center of the pelvis and stream out as if they
will never end. Then, suddenly, we laugh in joy just because a flower is beautiful,
a bird sings. We don't realize how much strengh we have when we laugh for
joy, but it is there.
We never know when the freeway lane will turn into mashed metal. We never
know when the love of our life will leave us. We never know when our son or
daughter will embrace us or deny us. We never know if our mother or father
will be what we want them to be. We never know when the next breathtaking
wave crashing on the rocks by the sea will invigorate us and give us the promise
of life and breath and remind us how great the universe is and how blessed
we are to be here, even for a minute.
If it is for a day, if it is for an hour, we are blessed. If we are terrified of what can happen, at least we are alive feeling the terror. Engage yourself with the fear. Grapple with the disease. Look it in the eye as you stand in the deepest, darkest path in the drippy, slimy swamp and tell it the greatest fear is gone because it is not creeping up on you from behind. You see it for what it is and the warrior spirit that lives deep in your being will rise up and find the magic in the gilt-handled sword and give you the power to wield that sword in the way that will defeat the real enemy.
The real enemy might be the disease and you will look for ways to deny it permission in your body. The real enemy might be fear and you will spread your legs wide, with a muscular stance, your hair flowing in the rain and wind, with a firm grip on that magic sword, and you will say what you need to say. Fear will not defeat you.
You will live your life in joy and power. You will look around you and see the powerful circle of friends who reach out and about and surround you and give you a safety net. If you fall into that net you will be comforted, you will be embraced, and you will bounce back up like a circus perfomer.
Step into our circle of power. Step into your own power. Ask for help any time.
Betty Stiltz