I am most honored by this nomination and would gladly accept, if it were not for one thing... You see, I am about to embark upon a hazardous and technically unexplainable journey into the outer stratosphere to confer, converse and otherwise hobnob with my brother wizards. And so I hereby decree that until what time, if any, that I return, the scarecrow; by virtue of his highly superior brain; shall rule in my stead, assisted by the tin man; by virtue of his magnificent heart, and the lion; by virtue of his courage. Obey them as you would me... (tries to leave but is stopped) All right, I'll stay.
From what I understand, the choosing of this year's King was not an easy one (and for some it remains a difficult one to this day). For those of you who are unfamiliar with the process, all the previous Kings gather; there must be over a thousand of them by now; and together they chose the new king. Now, in the beginning, it was probably pretty simple; "I'll be king, then you, and then you...": then when they became a group, they created an "A" list and just went down name... by name. When that was done, and as we all remember, they were forced to move to the much larger "B" list. That worked for them for a long, long LONG time but unfortunately, this year the kings (who had rented a small stadium) discovered that they had gone through the entire alphabet and had no name. Having already established themselves long before as an archaic, Neanderthal organization, picking a woman was totally out of the question. In other words, they were stuck. They were just about to put on their blindfolds and point at a page in a phone book (a technique already used to select at least two of the kings I've been told) when one of them remembered a list they had not yet used. This list was titled "No Way In Hell" and on it were only two names: Fifi, The Wonder Dog, a Miniature Poodle owned by one of the kings, and yours truly. And even though Fifi has been dead now for over ten years, and even though he still got the popular vote, the Supreme Court ruled that those ballots cast by the elderly Jews in Miami who voted for both Fifi and Myself should not count and now I'm your King.
Even though many have come before me; Hell, everyone has come before me;
I am following in the footsteps of some really great Kings...I can't think
of any of their names because, as you know, I've never been to any of your
parties but I'm sure some of them had to be great...and I promise to do what
ever the hell it is they did...do...too.
I am the 21st King of Fools, and the fact that the Fooles Guild is now 21
and is finally old enough to drink is an irony that does not escape me. Yes,
we are adults now...and I am your king. But don't worry, that doesn't mean
that there will not be the same fun and games you've come to expect from this
illustrious group. But it will not be ALL fun and games, that I can assure
you. We have far too much talent and creativity to be content anymore with
just three parties and a parade. We now, as adults, have a responsibility
to share that which we do and know. Therefore, I Command that, during my reign
at least once, and hopefully many times, we take our tricks and talents and,
joining up with the noble among us, namely my right hand Magistrate Mcmann,
and go do that voodoo we do so well at children's hospitals and the like.
- So it is written. So it shall be done.
That and softball...I like softball...
Now, even though, as I've said before, I am the 21st king, as my first official act, I chose not to be crowned at the San Bernardino US Festival but instead here, at what has already proven itself to be the TRUE FAIRE. I am honored to begin my reign as this year's King of Fools and it was with great pride that I chose my name: PRIMUS OAKUS, First King of Live Oak Woods. See, it's a great name because it conjures up the majesty of the sacred oak...and also because it seems to suggest that I have a large penis so obviously it worked for me on many levels. but then I was told the faire wasn't going to use the name "live oak" in its title which left me with only two other really good choices: one being King Showus Yourtits. And even though I strongly encourage my female subjects to publicly display their...affection and support for me, I thought I'd take the high road here and go with something gentle and geographical like... King Barbara... but that's not me, not to mentions saying nothing about my penis. (Holds crotch) so finally, after playing around with it for a while, it came to me, as I hope it comes to you. I hope it grows on you as it's grown on me and you will open your hands and...hearts to it...for
I am Carpe Cockus - your king.
(All in favor...show us your tits.)
In closing, I'd like to leave you with a bit of wisdom spoken to me by my father when he learned his son was to be king, and my god, I hope it's true.
He said, and I quote" son, If this doesn't get you laid, nothing will."
Long live the Faire!!! Long live the Fool!!!!
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Thanks toSandey:
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sandeygrinn.net